I Am Gateway – Mike

Growing up I was taught and so believed that whatever I put my mind to I could accomplish or acquire or control. I could make happen whatever I chose and thereby create my own destiny. In essence, I was my own god. Confusingly, I also ‘learned’ that no matter what I did it was never quite good enough to win the approval I desperately sought.

Understand, there is a difference between having a positive attitude and being optimistic about things as opposed to believing that I controlled my environment so completely that it included others around me as well. Manipulation might be the best word to describe it actually. Oh, I was a nice guy; my peers liked me, their parents admired me and I treated everyone politely and friendly but in some cases this was just part of the game. Quiet waters ran deep and trouble was usually below the surface. I think I could have written “How to win friends and influence (manipulate) people” myself.

For many years I actually seemed to be quite successful at this game. I chose to drink and use drugs heavily during this time to test the limits of my ability to remain in control as a form of social amusement. Often while partying we would drive by a hill in Corning, NY where a sign proclaimed that ‘Christ is the Answer’ to which I’d laugh in my stupor and declare I didn’t have any questions. Religion was a crutch for those people not strong minded enough to control their own destinies. I had all the answers and the world was mine for the taking. Even military training didn’t completely break this thought process. I would just be better at playing the game than they were, staying a step ahead so their authority over me was only what I allowed and I could stay out of (most) trouble.

When I began my first real relationship and got married I began to realize that maybe there were factors beyond my direct, immediate ability to control. Years of Navy travel away from my wife resulted in a separation and ultimately divorce due to lack of communication in resolving our differences. I finally had come to realize that I was in control of far less than I ever imagined. Reality came crashing in one fateful day and, determined to maintain personal control, I decided that if I couldn’t do it in my (or my wife’s) life I would exercise it in my death.

I carefully arranged a place in the basement so as not to make a mess that would affect the sale of the house afterwards (I was still a nice guy and wanted to be remembered as such) and left a note to my roommate to not go downstairs but call the police. I put my shotgun loaded with a deer slug pointed toward my eyes thinking I could watch it happen and put my toe on the trigger. As I pressed down, I heard a distinct voice as clearly as if someone was in the room with me saying ‘Why don’t you give me a try?’ Startled, I put the gun down and searched the house thinking maybe my roommate had returned from out of town but no one was there.

I took my position again and pressed my toe on the trigger I heard the voice again saying ‘Why don’t you give me a try?’ I answered aloud this time with ‘Who are you?’ and immediately a motion picture of sorts played through my mind beginning with a view of the sign I had mocked so many times in the past. Instances of troubles, confusion, and painful times played through my mind each scene ending with the message on the hill: Christ is the Answer.

I set the shotgun aside and went to my bedroom sobbing and trying to pray. Not knowing really what or how to pray, I tried the sinner’s prayer I had heard of before and prayed that as best I could remember it. As I poured out my heart my speech changed to something like a child’s babbling. I stopped and sat up thinking I had surely lost it altogether but as I continued to pray and babble the soothing and healing were undeniable. The peace and comfort I received encouraged me to just let go and give complete control over to Him, to totally surrender my thoughts, my words, and my emotions to whatever He was doing in me.

The next morning I dug out a Bible and began reading in Acts how the church was founded after Christ’s death, burial and resurrection. People were being baptized and filled with the Holy Ghost in large numbers wherever the gospel was preached. I attended a nearby church intent on getting baptized as I had read about. After some time and classes they were going to have a baptismal service for a number of us who wanted to do it. As I was lowered into the water the preacher said ‘I baptize you in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit’ and I thought to myself that wasn’t the way they did it in the Bible. They had always said Jesus’ name, but I let it go thinking, who was I to question this?

Not many weeks later my (ex)wife and I began to talk about our lives and our daughter and soon were remarried. We transferred to Virginia with the Navy and bought a house under construction in a new development. We paid a visit to the only other family living there at the time and learned he was pastor of a local Pentecostal church. Neither my wife nor I had ever heard of Pentecostals before, and the singing and worship with loud praise, clapping, dancing and raised hands, was very new and different from any church we had ever been in. We were a little uncomfortable at first but were left with a longing for that kind of open, expressive relationship with a real and living God rather than what seemed to be just reminiscing about a distant, impersonal one. There I heard the message of salvation I had read about in the book of Acts with the power and demonstration of the Holy Ghost. I was re-baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of my sins and again spoke in tongues as the Spirit led me.

I understood then what had happened to me that desperate night when my speech had changed to something more than my simple prayers alone could express. Soon, my wife was also born again of the water and Spirit, and I have since had the privilege of baptizing both my daughters after they received the Spirit of God with the evidence of speaking in other tongues.

Now, though I somewhat envy those born and raised in the family of God who skipped all the drama of a life-path like mine, I rejoice knowing that even while I was in my worst state God loved me and gave Himself on the cross so my sins could be washed away and my dead soul given new life by His Spirit.

Christ truly is the answer to any and every question you’ve ever had!